happy new year

it is new year yet i only have one wish is to see you everyday though i know you are pulling yourself away from me. you will always be hers and not mine. i just wish for the last time i get to see you. no matter what i do i know nothing can change. i shall learn to forget about you

feeling scared and sad

Dear B,

i know i have no rights to be scared or sad about this but everytime when i see pictures of it or thought about it makes me feel every scared. i am very scared one day you will tell me you are getting married with her. i will feel devastated. no matter how i tried to let you go. i still miss you. still want you. still feel something is deeply missing when you are not present. although i may not know how to express myself when you are around but deep down in my heart i really want you. i know we have not spend the best time together but i really love you. maybe you are using me for your advantage but the truth is i really really love you that is why i am always giving and not receiving anything. no matter how many new people i met no one can replace you in my heart. i will always miss you and love you.

my wish for christmas

Dear Santa,

i know i have not been a good girl for the whole year and i do not deserve to get this wish from you but i really want this wish. this one and only wish that i have wished every year but it did not come true. is it because we are really not meant to be? is it because i am meant to find someone better than this person. my only wish is i get to see and spend time with him for chirstmas. but i really dont believe you will make my wish come true because i am not allowed to love this person nor share my ups and downs with this person. he is already taken. i should just let him go and find someone who would treat me better. till i find someone else i really wish i will have him for christmas.

PY

cold hearted

dear b,

is it me or you are being cold hearted to me? i find you very cold to me lately. have you finally made the decision to be with her and going to leave me? if you have you could have told me. i really miss you. but i think you dont see it nor bother to do anything about it. i dont expect you to comfort me but at least tell me the truth that both of us are not meant to be cos you want to spend the rest of your life with her. honestly i dont know why am i fighting for you when i know regardless of that i do wont be as good as what she did. even when i do a million things it cannot replace the one thing she did for you. i dont know whether god wants to test me or you just want to play with me. dont i deserve something better?

why cant i forget about u?

Dear b,

I know you are trying hard to forget about me and still keep me as a friend. But honestly, my heart refused to forget about you. I kept thinking about you. The things we did the memories we had. I know you already gave your heart away to her.I have no place in that small heart of yours. I know I should treat myself better by juSt forgetting all about you and find a better man. To me you are someone special and I want to hold on for as long as I can until one day someone comes and pick me up. Why this world is so unfair that I am always the one who can't get the love I want. How much more test does God wants me to walk thru before he really gives me someone I deserve. Even if it is not you. I still want to be by your side till you really marry her. Obviously I am not as great as she is.

i am not the one

Dear B,

I really dont know how long more can i take it. i know you have told me before you will choose her. i really dont want you to choose her i want you to choose me instead. i know i cannot offer as much as she does. i know i will never be as perfect as her but i am willing to give you my heart. but maybe it is like everyone say. i am stingy. i shall let you who you think you will be happy with. to love someone is to let that person be happy not to make the suffer right? so from today onward i shall stop texting you. stop crying for you. stop thinking about you. and find my own happiness. i will definitely find someone better than you. who will treat me better than you and make my effort worth while. thanks for those sweet memories that i have to remove them to make my life better

should i let u go?

Dear B,

I know I have said I will let you go. I will not hang on to you and let you be happy with her without me being all jealous and annoyed over those times that you spent with her. But my heart seems to tell me I can't let you go.I don't want you to go. I have been having sleepless nights and tearing since the day i say i will let you go. Been thinking about you 24/7 since then. Though I know no matter what I do or what I say won't change your heart, i wish i was given a chance to show you the me who is not such a cry baby and a more caring person. but it seems like you just want to have fun with me and after that leave me to suffer in pain there. I really did show you everything about me yet you still choose her and make me your summer fling. The one regret i have is being your friend. i wish i didnt know you then i wont suffer in such pain.

thanks for the scar
Yokie

My Robin

Is it true that everyone has their own Robin but not everyone can spend their lives with their Robin? Maybe not this life but another life? Sometimes i really wonder why did God show you who is your Robin but did not allow you to spend it with him? Why did God let you meet him, let you spend some precious time with him, but didn't let the both of you go further than that. Should i just remove him from my life to make me really move on since i am not that important to him. I am only important when he is back alone. But when he is over there with her, she is always the one. It shows that he does not think about me at all. I have not receive any text or any concerns from him. Am i just his fling? Am i an entertainment because he is lonely back here? If he really wants to treat me as a friend only he should have told me then i will try to back off. But why must he always only comes to me when he needs me? What about me? Who is going to fulfill my needs? Honestly after this traumatic relationship, i feel like i dont want to pursue anymore. I just want to be a grumpy spinster and never think of love. Cos by end of the day no matter how much i give love i get nothing in return all i get is just bits and pieces of shattered heart that no one is going to pick up and mend it. 

heart broken

i am so heart broken. you dont even bother to message me. dont even bother to think about me, think about my feelings. No nothing. What am Iexactly to you? Just a toy when you have a bad day or extreme boredom? Why can't you be more caring to me. Make me feel loved. I feel like I give and give yet you never give me anything. How much have you showed that you care for me. How much have you showed me that you want me, you need me? I find that I need you more than you need me. Why can't I be the one? Why can't you leave her for me? Why can't my one wish from God is to get you come true?

Second thought

i have been thinking i want to go see you. yet i cannot bring myself to buy the next air tickets to go see you. after what happen last night i am afraid if i am left alone with you, i will not be able to control myself anymore. i hoped you did have fun last night though i could not give you fully what you want. if you are here or i am there i probably would have. i know you are using me for your own pleasure not that you cared how i feel or how i think or would pick me up with i am down. it is ok what is done is done. i will not cry nor regret because the fact that i do love you and no one else. probably if you marry her i will find someone else but i wont love that person as much as you.

should i? will i? or would i?

i have been thinking and thinking. i cannot stop think about it. i really want to fly there to see you. just spending a few days with you will make me happy but i know when i come back i will be even more sad than ever. i would miss you even more. even now itself i am already missing you. i guess it is just like my friend said there is someone that you love yet you are not suppose to be together. maybe to let you go is a way to make you happier. i really wish i could spend more time with you show you how much i care and show you what sort of person i am. i cannot not hold back when i think that you are actually already with someone else. i dont want to spoil someone else relationship nor would i want someone else to spoil mine. i will wait till the day when you decided who you want to choose.

how much is too much?

i am curious how can people spend so much time together? honestly after spending afternoon and evening with you when you are back i feel like i need sometime alone. it felt like i have too much of you. i do enjoy spending it with you but i think i too need sometime alone to make the relationship more interested. even when i spend one whole day texting you, i feel like it is too much until i think i need some time off from you. though i like it when you do reply my text or give me a surprise text. maybe you are not the one? i seriously dont know yet. one thing for sure i know you are affecting my mood. i find that i am happy whenever i see your text but said when you dont. can i refrain myself from you? i really doubt that! but regardless of what we will see how things goes ya! i am really tempted to buy air tix to go see you. if god permit i will be flying after my china trip to go see you ya!

how much can i trust u?

Serious how much can I trust you? Will you delete it or keep it to blackmail me? I really love you so much that I ended up doing it again for  you. Yet again you always fall asleep and forgets all about me. Honestly I really hate weekend because it always give you the chance to spend time with her. What about me? Only when you comes back? So short! You can spend anytime of the day with her. Whereas me we have to pick our time and day. Sometimes I wonder do you like me for lust or you like me for my personality. You said I would have been the one but I think I was never the one. I don't feel like you did sacrifice anything for me but I .did many for you. Are you taking advantage of my love to you only you know. I am very heart broken

bad day at work

i had a very bad day at work. i wish i could tell u all and you could give me some advise but i know it will not happen that way. so all i can do is vent it out here. sigh! boss was disappointed with me, probably like many people said it i am extreme blunt. said something that i should not have said. though i didnt not meant it that way but why would people see it as i am lazy. i am seriously not a lazy person. regardless how much work you give me i will complete it. maybe i should learn to protect my butt instead of protecting other people's butt. i always feel like i am not appreciated. do you appreciate what i do for you last night? though it may not be your ideal situation but i do hope you give me credit on doing it. i probably would not talk to you anymore after what happened last night. you probably will take the advantage to black mail me or just forget about me. regardless of what i think i have woke up from this dream that i felt for you. thanks!

py

Thoughts on my off day

It is my off day today and I am at home with mom watching TVs. Somehow I cannot stop wondering what are you up to? Stress at work? Smoking as many cigarettes as always. I wanted to help you quit but I think you need it since you are so stress at work. I was really hoping that you will text me but deep down I know you won't text me because you have no time and you have your plates full with her and your stressful work. Hopefully one-day when you are free you will text me. Just giving me a smile icon would make me smile but I guess for now it is all cry

Heartbroken

It has been awhile since we know each other. maybe it is like you said the timing is not right that is why we cannot proceed further. As it is what we are doing is wrong and we are not only hurting each other but also the one true love of your. No doubt i wish that person is me, but i know regardless of how much i do or sacrifice i will not be the one for you. Though i am happy that every time you come back you still hang out with me. It is always sad for me to say goodbye to you when you will go back to her arms. Since now that i have decided not to text you anymore when you are back there, i have no where to vent out my frustration, my sorrows, and my love to. I have created this blog to pour them out. You may not read this nor know anything about it. But if you do at least you will know what you are meant to me even when i dont show it to you personally. 

py